I need to say somewhere that I could never live without my Susie.  She is a ray of light in my very very dark life.

Life is so fucked up. I wake up every morning and an instant feeling of dread washes over me. I am constantly feeling trippy about where I am right now. My uncle had to go to the hospitol yesterday for being suicidal. How may people in my family am I going to watch being carted off for that shit? Myself included I guess. I want a summer breeze, a cold drink with some happy happy alcohol, a joint, the sun, and nowhere to be. I want my boys most. Stacy.............

maybe i'm just faking it. if i really wanted to get better, i would, right? maybe i've been a liar for so long that i finally believe myself. but even all that feels like a fucking lie. i still believe in myself. concieted? maybe. maybe just dillusional. i think about my siblings and my kids every minute. i want to keep them all in my pocket.

This will be new for me. My sister does it, so I thought I'd try. Maybe this will be an incredibly cleansing expirience. I am currently failing in all areas of my life. Newly 26, I am scared. I need to get busy and stay that way.